There’s a version of me that used to smile all the time. Not because I was always happy, but because I thought that made me likeable. I tried to be agreeable, listen closely, and stay engaged—not only because it felt respectful but because I was taught that’s how you earn acceptance.
Keep things pleasant. Don’t make people uncomfortable. Don’t be too much. Looking back, maybe it wasn’t just about being kind. Maybe it was about being afraid—of being judged, rejected, or labeled “difficult.”
Especially as a woman, being “likeable” often means being easy to be around. Don’t make waves. Don’t take up too much space. Be nice, even when things aren’t okay. Moreover, if you dare show anything too real—anger, sadness, frustration—you’re either “emotional” or “too intense.” It’s subtle, but it’s everywhere. When you spend most of your life trying not to upset the flow, you start to wonder what it would feel like to just be yourself. To stop pretending. To quit making other people comfortable at the expense of your own truth.
And while this shows up differently for men, the pressure is still there. A lot of men are raised to suck it up, stay cool, be the rock. Vulnerability? Not exactly encouraged. They’re supposed to be strong, successful, and unfazed—like they’re not allowed to have bad days or doubts. So instead of performing likeability, many perform strength. Either way, it’s the same trap. You end up hiding the real stuff, avoiding connection, and wondering why everything feels a little bit hollow.
I’m not interested in being admired for how little I ask for. I want real connection. Depth. Mutual effort. I’m not here to be digestible—I’m here to be honest. And if that makes me too much, too direct, or not everyone’s favorite, so be it. Let’s be clear—being real doesn’t mean being an asshole. It means telling the truth and still having empathy. It means making space for what’s honest, even when it’s messy. For yourself, and for other people, too. There’s power in showing up as yourself, even if it makes people uncomfortable—and just as much power in accepting others when they do the same.